I know that none of you will read this, but I will still post it anyway.
I'm not sure where to begin...well, I suppose I could start with the fact that people online seem to hate me--and I don't think I ever did anything against them.
I think it might involve the fact that I'm quite possibly on the autism spectrum. I've researched aspergers [sp?] multiple times, and it actually describes me very well. However, none of my doctors will listen to me, even when I present my evidence to them! In fact, those same doctors wouldn't believe that I had depression until I almost strangled myself.
And before you ask--no, I've never cut myself, nor do I claim to. I'm not seeking attention here. (Actually, I'm not comfortable with getting a lot of attention--it makes me nervous!)
Anyway...both online and in real life, I just seem to keep on annoying people without even trying to. I never mean to do anything wrong, and yet I just seem to tick everyone off (mainly adults--my few friends are surprisingly patient with me).
I have a lot of things that I enjoy doing--many of which involve making something of my own. The problem? Either nobody notices, or even worse, everybody hates it and makes a point to tell me how stupid I am:
"Were you even trying?"
"This looks completely wrong!"
"Annoying as h***"
I've suppressed my suicidal thoughts for a while, but humanity has a way of making that harder.
Art and other creative things are my passion--a huge part of my existence, in fact--but I'm constantly reminded of how I'm never "good enough". I've lost almost all confidence in my artwork, writing, and other things I like to make...I don't know why I even bother anymore.
Another huge part of why I'm so depressed is my living situation. I won't go into detail, but I'm basically living with people that aren't my parents (but oh, have they tried to be). My real mom, I'm only permitted to see once a week--and that's not nearly enough! She's the only adult who understands what I'm going through, and she's the only person in my family that would never disown me.
Disown me for what, you ask? Take a look at the stamps on my profile. You have just seen the very reason why I'm terrified of the people I live with. If they knew who I was, and what I believe...they'd try to "fix" me, which would actually just make everything worse. Actually, if I get sent to one of those "counselors", I'll probably attempt suicide. Actually, that's what a lot of the "patients" end up doing...but that's a different topic of discussion.
The point is...I don't feel safe around anyone. I don't feel safe in youth group. I don't even feel safe in my own home--all because of one issue!
I have therapists (or whatever you'd like to call them), but lately they've been absolutely no help. I'm supposed to be getting testing from a psycologist soon...I really hope that not only will I get diagnosed with the stuff I actually have, but that my relatives won't discover certain things (like my gender identity issues, which one of my profile stamps shows).
I also have medications, but they haven't been helping much lately...because, again, a lot of my current depression is situational.
I want to make more friends, but I'm afraid to try. I've had enough bad experiences (mostly online though) that I feel like I could never trust anyone. Even worse, since my options are all other Christians, none of them would be likely to accept me (or not spill the beans to the wrong person). I'm in a very small minority, and every single day is a cruel reminder of how alone I am. So not only am I unlikely to find new friends that are on my side, but I'm even less likely to find my soulmate--the very thing that my heart longs for the most.
I know that the majority of the internet doesn't care about anything I have to say, but that isn't going to stop me. I've been holding all of this inside, and I'm ready to explode because of it. I'm sure that I'll receive a lot of flames and "attention seeker" accusations...but there's no holding myself back anymore. I need to share my feelings with people.
Please...please don't make it hurt more. Please don't make my fears of more rejection valid. Please help me to remember that I'm not alone, and that there are still decent people in this world. And if you're going through any of the things I am...please know that we're in this together. Whoever you are, I love you the same way that my Father in Heaven does...although I could never love anyone nearly as much as He does. <3
If you actually took the time to read all this...wow, I'm impressed. You must have a lot of patience. You deserve a hug and a virtual dessert of your choice.
If you actually read all of this (and am not about to turn against me for whatever reason), please begin any comment with "Cheddar cheese". If you fail to do this, and/or your comment comes across as rude/offensive, YOUR COMMENT WILL BE IGNORED! Thank you.